The Male Tic-Toc

December 8, 2008

When they want to, they want to. I have no doubt about it. Of course, knowing when the hell is it that they’re ready it’s the bitch. But, when you least expect it, their biological clock goes on. And they hear that Tic-Toc. THEY DO!

I remember how my friend and roommate in Miami, Paco would come home after partying all night, AND EVERY NIGHT, around 3:00 am, he would woke me up with the same story: “Dude, I’m so tired of fooling around with chicks. I want a real woman. I want to get married.”

I, (super sleepy) would listen to him attentive and thought to myself: “How wouldn’t he be sick of it, if he’s already recycling women!”

And this scene will go on and on every single night, nonstop, for the following three months. I (with my dark circles bigger than Benicio del Toro’s) decided to do something about it. So I spoke out. One of those nights of monologues, I spoke out and said: “Dear, friend: If you really want to find the right woman, why don’t you start by changing the fucking nickname you have on your Messenger, huh? I mean, I kind of have a hard time picturing who the hell will say: ‘Yes, I do want to marry you, King Mamerro’ in front of a priest, you know?”

Paco has always been a very family-oriented guy, I must say. He was already 31 when he felt the ‘itch’ first. And this was MY first close encounter with the male’s little clock. By the way, I had no idea of its existence. 

Three months went by and Paco found his fix. Estrella, was her name (Oh what a name!), and she’s a very sweet but proper girl. The day we met was a movie-like scene. And I immediately knew she was the one. How? Easily.

As she walked into her recently found boyfriend’s room, she ran into a very hot, sexy woman (as in ME), almost naked, getting off the shower with her panties in one hand and her bra on the other one. But she didn’t run away. She actually, laughed and gave me her skinny, delicate hand as she introduced herself properly.

“Fuck! How open-minded!” I thought. It was the first night my friend and her would sleep on the same bed. Together, like a real couple.

Paco was ready for war. Not a shocker, of course. But what really surprised me was that he had been waiting (like a gentleman) to pop the cherry, for the past three months. I’m telling you, girls!!! When they want it, they even wait for it.

A year and a half later… I was writing a beautiful wedding speech. They got married and lived happily ever after. Estella and I are very close friends now and Paco is living the life he asked for.

Sadly, not every love story has a happy ending. What was the moral of the story? That when a man is ready, not only he feels it but he also says it out loud. And he also asks for it. I can assure you that!

What happens is that in these times, when we, the women, don’t even know if they’re gay or straight, if giving it to them on the first date is synonym of disaster or a proof of security, and that a text message means they’re not that into you, the sky turns fucking cloudy.

On top of it, my friend, Mr. Cynicism (whom is always there, by my side) doesn’t help too much, either. Because it’s always easier to believe men are all the same…

Back then, Paco and Estrella’s story made me think theirs was a great exception. But… (whoever invented the word BUT is a genius!), this morning I had a beautiful revelation. The best of all times!

And here we go: Dave is a very handsome man, with an incomparable charisma and with the ability to enamor his own mother. Actually, I had never met a man with such power over women. He’s unbelievable!

He’s so impressive that after being friends for a couple of years, I had started calling myself: The Survivor. I’ve earned it since I’m the ONLY woman who hasn’t melt at his feet!?!

How did I manage to do this? It’s simple. I just close my eyes and picture him in bed with my best friend (AKA: his ex girlfriend) and that’s it. Nothing less inviting than a visual of your two friends doing it the doggy-style, right?

Anyway, to this day, Dave and I are best friends. He broke up with my friend a long time ago and I will never will able to see him as a man. Because I love him WAY too much. So I will NEVER do that to him…

Of course, I have to admit there had been tense moments. Those moments when Alcohol takes control over Reason and Conscious is drunk. Those moments when I can hear my friend Peter telling me: “Friendship between women and men is bullshit! All we want is to fuck you and all you girls want is to be fucked by us.” Oh, what a clever man, ¡joder!

I also have to confess that I almost believed that this “to fuck and to be fucked” theory of Peter was true. That it’s simply impossible to have a friendship between men and women because there’ll always be sexual tension around them.

To overcome these thoughts (because in times of war, every hole is considered trench), I had established a code with Dave: “Ok, dude, if you ever have dirty thoughts with me, all you have to do is to visualize your dick dipped into a bucket full of Purell, for at least five days”.

Obviously, this had never happened. And it never will. Not only because it’d be incest, nor because the image of my friend fucking him is just too disturbing, but also because Dave is in love.

Yep. The gigolo, the unstoppable, the unbelievably charming cutie pie Dave is in love. And here’s when the beautiful revelation of all times I was talking about becomes real. This morning I received a call from him asking for my advice to edit a love letter he had written for his beloved one. From that text (which I edited, of course) I extracted the following revealing phrases (GIRLS, TAKE NOTES!):

1. I like you a lot
2. I can’t take my eyes off of you
3. I’ve decided to write you this cheesy letter
4. I have felt this way about you for a long time
5. I really feel good around you
6. I think you’re stunningly beautiful
7. I didn’t want anything serious with anyone before
8. I wanted to tell you how I feel
9. I would completely understand if you don’t feel the same way about me
10. I really hope you call me

I almost melted this time. I had never thought Dave would be ready. More so, I’d come to the realization that his clock was broken; somehow fucked up.

Oh how wrong was I! This beautiful letter is the best proof of it. Leaving my friend Mr. Cynicism behind (a mission almost impossible for me), I translated his words into these:

1. Easy comes, easy goes.
2. Eye contact means they really like you.
3. Romance it’s still alive inside of them. It’s just a matter of pressing the right bottom.
4. When they want it, they want it. And they work for it!!!
5. Chemistry has no explanation.
6. The eyes of love see everything clearer that the eyes of cynicism.
7. Tic-Toc is a unisex sound.
8. They also feel the need of expressing their feelings.
9. Men are simple. For them, love is there or it isn’t. No excuses. No exceptions. No “The Princess and the Frog” bullshit.
10. When you girls feel like a weirdo, cause you’ve been testing your phone by sending texts to yourself, because not even your mom calls you, please remember you’re not alone.

Today, a simple call gave me faith in men again. Now, the question is: When the fuck am I going to hear the Tic-Toc? No clue. But I had turned my alarm volume up. Hell yeah!

Silent Diva ©

I, (super sleepy) would listen to him attentive and thought to myself: “How wouldn’t he be sick of it, if he’s already recycling women!”

And this scene will go on and on every single night, nonstop, for the following three months. I (with my dark circles bigger than Benicio del Toro’s) decided to do something about it. So I spoke out. One of those nights of monologues, I spoke out and said: “Dear, friend: If you really want to find the right woman, why don’t you start by changing the fucking nickname you have on your Messenger, huh? I mean, I kind of have a hard time picturing who the hell will say: ‘Yes, I do want to marry you, King Mamerro’ in front of a priest, you know?”

Paco has always been a very family-oriented guy, I must say. He was already 31 when he felt the ‘itch’ first. And this was MY first close encounter with the male’s little clock. By the way, I had no idea of its existence. 

Three months went by and Paco found his fix. Estrella, was her name (Oh what a name!), and she’s a very sweet but proper girl. The day we met was a movie-like scene. And I immediately knew she was the one. How? Easily.

As she walked into her recently found boyfriend’s room, she ran into a very hot, sexy woman (as in ME), almost naked, getting off the shower with her panties in one hand and her bra on the other one. But she didn’t run away. She actually, laughed and gave me her skinny, delicate hand as she introduced herself properly.

“Fuck! How open-minded!” I thought. It was the first night my friend and her would sleep on the same bed. Together, like a real couple.

Paco was ready for war. Not a shocker, of course. But what really surprised me was that he had been waiting (like a gentleman) to pop the cherry, for the past three months. I’m telling you, girls!!! When they want it, they even wait for it.

A year and a half later… I was writing a beautiful wedding speech. They got married and lived happily ever after. Estella and I are very close friends now and Paco is living the life he asked for.

Sadly, not every love story has a happy ending. What was the moral of the story? That when a man is ready, not only he feels it but he also says it out loud. And he also asks for it. I can assure you that!

What happens is that in these times, when we, the women, don’t even know if they’re gay or straight, if giving it to them on the first date is synonym of disaster or a proof of security, and that a text message means they’re not that into you, the sky turns fucking cloudy.

On top of it, my friend, Mr. Cynicism (whom is always there, by my side) doesn’t help too much, either. Because it’s always easier to believe men are all the same…

Back then, Paco and Estrella’s story made me think theirs was a great exception. But… (whoever invented the word BUT is a genius!), this morning I had a beautiful revelation. The best of all times!

And here we go: Dave is a very handsome man, with an incomparable charisma and with the ability to enamor his own mother. Actually, I had never met a man with such power over women. He’s unbelievable!

He’s so impressive that after being friends for a couple of years, I had started calling myself: The Survivor. I’ve earned it since I’m the ONLY woman who hasn’t melt at his feet!?!

How did I manage to do this? It’s simple. I just close my eyes and picture him in bed with my best friend (AKA: his ex girlfriend) and that’s it. Nothing less inviting than a visual of your two friends doing it the doggy-style, right?

Anyway, to this day, Dave and I are best friends. He broke up with my friend a long time ago and I will never will able to see him as a man. Because I love him WAY too much. So I will NEVER do that to him…

Of course, I have to admit there had been tense moments. Those moments when Alcohol takes control over Reason and Conscious is drunk. Those moments when I can hear my friend Peter telling me: “Friendship between women and men is bullshit! All we want is to fuck you and all you girls want is to be fucked by us.” Oh, what a clever man, ¡joder!

I also have to confess that I almost believed that this “to fuck and to be fucked” theory of Peter was true. That it’s simply impossible to have a friendship between men and women because there’ll always be sexual tension around them.

To overcome these thoughts (because in times of war, every hole is considered trench), I had established a code with Dave: “Ok, dude, if you ever have dirty thoughts with me, all you have to do is to visualize your dick dipped into a bucket full of Purell, for at least five days”.

Obviously, this had never happened. And it never will. Not only because it’d be incest, nor because the image of my friend fucking him is just too disturbing, but also because Dave is in love.

Yep. The gigolo, the unstoppable, the unbelievably charming cutie pie Dave is in love. And here’s when the beautiful revelation of all times I was talking about becomes real. This morning I received a call from him asking for my advice to edit a love letter he had written for his beloved one. From that text (which I edited, of course) I extracted the following revealing phrases (GIRLS, TAKE NOTES!):

1. I like you a lot
2. I can’t take my eyes off of you
3. I’ve decided to write you this cheesy letter
4. I have felt this way about you for a long time
5. I really feel good around you
6. I think you’re stunningly beautiful
7. I didn’t want anything serious with anyone before
8. I wanted to tell you how I feel
9. I would completely understand if you don’t feel the same way about me
10. I really hope you call me

I almost melted this time. I had never thought Dave would be ready. More so, I’d come to the realization that his clock was broken; somehow fucked up.

Oh how wrong was I! This beautiful letter is the best proof of it. Leaving my friend Mr. Cynicism behind (a mission almost impossible for me), I translated his words into these:

1. Easy comes, easy goes.
2. Eye contact means they really like you.
3. Romance it’s still alive inside of them. It’s just a matter of pressing the right bottom.
4. When they want it, they want it. And they work for it!!!
5. Chemistry has no explanation.
6. The eyes of love see everything clearer that the eyes of cynicism.
7. Tic-Toc is a unisex sound.
8. They also feel the need of expressing their feelings.
9. Men are simple. For them, love is there or it isn’t. No excuses. No exceptions. No “The Princess and the Frog” bullshit.
10. When you girls feel like a weirdo, cause you’ve been testing your phone by sending texts to yourself, because not even your mom calls you, please remember you’re not alone.

Today, a simple call gave me faith in men again. Now, the question is: When the fuck am I going to hear the Tic-Toc? No clue. But I had turned my alarm volume up. Hell yeah!

Silent Diva ©